旅途中小憩 Sabbatical For The Journey

Teresa Lee

As a person always enjoy serving various ministries, It never occurs to me that one day I would choose to take a break from all ministries that I am involved with at church. I have noticed in the last few years, that I served not for God, but as a duty. This is not good, especially serving the youth at Firemark. If I don't have the enthusiasm and love for God, how am I going to bring the Gospel to others? After two years of serving the youth virtually during the Covid-19 pandemic, the core team of Firemark decided to cancel camp this year so that we can all take a break to enrich our own spiritual growth. I thought it's the right timing and good idea that I should also take a break from all the ministries that I am involved with.  As much as I enjoy altar serving and other roles at Mass, I feel there is a need to reconnect with God and spend more time in my private prayers so that I will rekindle the fire to serve God again.

I didn't make this decision based on spur of the moment. I have talked to spiritual directors at CACCLC since 2018 about my spiritual desolation. I felt burned out at times. I also felt God is so far away that my prayers are mundane, dry and not sincere from the bottom of my heart. I understand this is part of my spiritual journey, and I want to take this time to reflect on my relationship with Jesus, and to reestablish the intimacy with him that I once had.

Often times in my prayers recently, I cannot help but reflect and meditate on all the blessings God had bestowed on me. Ever since I was confirmed in 2004, I have served as usher, lector, Eucharistic Minister, sacristan, altar server, and sang in Agape, the young adult choir at St. Thomas Aquinas Church at Mass.  I was blessed to be given the opportunity to be the young adult Mass coordinator for few years. There were times when the lectors forgot to show up at young adult Mass to read the prayer intentions, I had to go up to the ambo and read from my phone at the last minute. ! That was nerve racking! Altar serving is always enjoyable, even dealing with chaotic behind the scene during Easter Vigil Mass! Looking back at all those situations, I now realized how much grace and hidden blessings that I have received from God through out the years. 

（攝於洛杉磯聖湯瑪斯堂）

Even though I did not have much experience working with youth, I got involved with Firemark ministry, serving high school youth from the Chinese community from St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Bridget. Each of these ministry roles has it's own challenges and obstacles, but I really do enjoy the process of learning and coming up with solution when issues arises.  It's in Firemark ministry  that I learn to work in harmony with young adults from three parishes. It moved me to take my leadership skills to a new level. I learn to take the initiative of contacting our camp site and making reservations. I also learned how to request insurance for the youth from the Archdiocese during camp.  I had to admit in the first few years, I was very nervous and worry about not having a successful camp that I couldn't sleep the night before camp. But in each and every year, God has blessed the core team that everything falls into right places despite of sudden situations. The most rewarding experience is to see how the youth has grown spiritually through out the years. A few of the high schoolers from the early camps has graduated from college and returned to help out serving on the core team! This is definitely the fruit of Holy Spirit being harvested.

 (攝於Firemark夏令營)

In the Gospel of Luke 10:38-42, where Jesus visit Martha and Mary, Martha was busy serving The Lord while Mary sits by Jesus to listen to him speak. Martha then complain to Jesus that Mary is not helping. Jesus replied that she is anxious and worried about many things. Mary has chosen the only needed thing, and it will not be taken away from her. For all those years I have been Martha, I want the experiences what Mary had. So, during this time, I will enjoy parish hopping to attend Mass at other Catholic Churches. I want to focus and enjoy the experience liturgies sitting in the congregation. I follow and watch YouTube video of various priest and Catholic speakers. I try to do more spiritual readings. I  also continue to pray the rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet daily. I see that serving God is like a long journey. There are ups and down on the road, not to mention obstacles happens  occasionally. In the mean time, I want to focus on resting and to pray for peace and joy in my heart.  I want to be ready when Jesus calls me to serve Him again in the future. I will then be able to love and serve Him with all my heart, soul,mind and strength.

我一向樂於參與教會事奉，從沒有想到有一天，我會決定暫時停止彌撒中和青年組的一切事奉。

 

我注意到，近幾年我的事奉不是出自內心對天主的熱愛，而是一種責任感。這絕不是一件好事，特別是在服務青少年的Firemark團體，如果沒有對天主熱情的愛，我又如何能夠把天國的福音帶給身邊的人呢？經過兩年在COVID-9疫情期間對 Firemark 的網上活動，Firemark 的負責人決定取消今年的生活營，讓大家可以休息並增強自己的靈修生活。我也覺得自己需要休息，暫時停止所有事奉工作。雖然我熱愛輔祭和其他各種事奉，但更有必要把時間專注在私人的祈禱生活，重新建立與天主的關係，以便將來再次事奉祂。

 

其實這不是突發奇想的決定。自2018年開始，我在加州華人天主教生活營(CACCLC)和神師們談我的神枯經驗，我總是覺得精疲力竭，感覺天主離我很遠，我的祈禱枯燥無味，而且沒有發自內心的真誠。我明白這些都是在靈修成長中的必經之路，而我需要時間去反省自己和耶穌之間的關係，並重新建立與祂之間曾經有過的親密關係。

(攝於加州華人天主教生活營)

最近在我的靜默祈禱中，常常回想天主給予我的一切祝福。自從我在2004年領受堅振聖事以後，天主召叫我在彌撒中作接待員，聖體員，司禮員及輔祭。我也參加了聖湯瑪斯堂的愛加倍青年音樂團體，又榮幸地擔任青年彌撒的總聯絡人幾年，其中也經過許多突發事件，例如青年彌撒中讀信友禱詞的人沒有到達，我在最後一刻緊張地拿著手機上讀經台事奉。我很享受當輔祭，就算是在復活節前夕彌撒更衣室裡，大家忙亂成一團，現在回想起來，都是來自天主的恩寵及隱藏的祝福。

 

雖然我沒有太多服務青少年的經驗，但我樂於在2013年加入 Firemark，服務 St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Elizabeth Ann Seaton, 以及 St. Bridget 三個華人團體的高中學生。我學到如何和諧地和來自三個堂區的青年一起策劃活動。當然也面對了各種意想不到的挑戰和挫折，可是我仍然能夠享受這些過程，和學習如何解決問題。在 Firemark 的日子，我學習和體驗之前沒有機會做的事情。例如為參加暑期生活營的青少年，在教區申請活動期間的保險，及和避靜中心確保我們預留的日子。無可否認，在開始的前幾年，我總是在入營的前夕開始緊張，因為擔心各種可能發生的情況而失眠。但是，每一年，天主都祝福我們，帶領我們，順利地解決突發事件而完成生活營。最讓我欣慰的是，早期參加生活營的高中生，在大學和畢業後加入參與策劃活動，成為活動中帶領高中生的領導人！這絕對是豐收的、聖神的果實。

 (攝於Firemark夏令營)

 

路加福音十 38:42，耶穌到瑪爾大和瑪利亞家中。瑪爾大忙碌的伺候耶穌，瑪利亞卻坐在耶穌旁邊聽祂說話，於是瑪爾大向耶穌抱怨瑪利亞不幫忙，耶穌卻回答她說，「瑪爾大，瑪爾大，你為了許多事操心忙碌，其實需要的惟有一件。瑪利亞選擇了更好的的一份，是不能從她奪去的。」我像瑪爾大一樣地忙碌了這麼多年，很想體驗瑪利亞所擁有的。在這段時間，我享受著到各個不同堂區參與彌撒。不做司禮員和輔祭，不再分心和擔心彌撒流程中的事奉，我可以專心坐在會眾之中參與彌撒了。在暫停禮儀事奉的日子，我也計畫多花些時間讀經和看靈修書籍，繼續每天的玫瑰經和慈悲串經的祈禱，空餘時間也打算在YouTube 看某些心儀已久的神學家和神父的影片。

 

事奉天主的道路就像一個旅程，途中有平坦也有崎嶇的路，當然也有充滿挑戰的突發狀況。現在我除了專注於自我的靈修，也想為內心的平安和喜樂祈禱。休息是為了走更長遠的路，我要裝備自己，當耶穌將來再召叫我的時候，我可以全心、全靈、全意、全力以愛去事奉祂。